Missing her so much - My Dearest Ah Ma

After reading the sweet love story of my ah gong and ah ma written by my brother in his blog, I had a mixture of feelings. I cried again...

Beginning, I felt really sweet because ah gong really treated ah ma very good. He let me know what is real marriage. Marriage that needs patience, understanding, determination, sharing of course not lacking sincerity. Ah gong is the best of all men I knew. He has really good temper, even when he's angry, he will not yell, he will remind us not to do it calmly. Although Ah Ma is the strictest in family, but I know she loved me alot. I started staying with her after I was borned. I had so much so much time spent with her. EVen when I'm in Secondary School, I will still lie on her lap, accompanying her watching her fav Cantonese dramas. But, after she got really ill. I no longer have the chance to stick with her like past anymore. It really hurt me so much whenever she had to spend impt dates in hospital, suffering.

After she moved out from her own house and stayed with my youngest uncle, I still continue to visit her with my family. After I gave birth to Kieron, her health started to deteoriate. I tried to cheer her up by bringing Kieron to visit her and printing his photos out to let her see when she felt bored..

The bad day finally came. She had to get her brain operated, because there's a blood clot inside. That very very very sad day was deeply imprinted inside my heart. I had the responsibility of accompanying her and my ah gong that day. Because my uncles and aunties had to work, they only could come later. So I, as the eldest grandchild, I stayed there since morning.. Ah Ma lost conscious after the operation. She had complications and lung infections, worse she lost her memory, she had to stay in ICU.. Everything happened so quickly that I never had the chance to chat with her anymore. During that period of critical days, I only had 1 chance to hold her hand calling her, "Ah Ma, wo lai le, ni yi ding yao qi lai". & It was my last time.

Days later, she left us. I felt really really guilty. I couldn't see her for the last time. I had to look after Kieron, as he's less than 1yr old, the adults worried he may got virus from hospital. So I could only stay at home, crying and scolding ownself. I couldn't believe my ah ma really left me. I kept saying sorry, I really wish ah ma could hear me, knowing how much I really miss her.

During her funeral, I fell ill. Really ill. I had high fever of 40C and I had shivers every few hours. But, I don't want to stay at home. I wanted to accompany her the very last few days before she was cremeted. I felt really bad when I couldn't kneel down to pay her respect when the priest was reciting the prayers on the last night of the funeral. During the 3days of funeral, Dad told us not to cry, so as to let ah ma leave this world in peace. But, I couldn't tolerate anymore, all single memories of ah ma and I had spent together flashed back. I went to hide at the staircase and cried badly silently. In the end, Mum and Ser Seng found me, they consoled me, they said ah ma won't be happy to see me in tears.

Till today, it had been 4 years. I still wish to dream of Ah Ma. Whenever I feel sad or confused and troubled, I will talk to ah ma. Hoping her to give me advices like what she would usually do when she's still alive. But, I was just being silly, I know it won't happen. Just a way to console ownself.

Ah Ma, no matter where are you now, in heaven or reincarnated, you'll always be inside my heart, my memory, I love you so much and I miss you dearly...

Ah Gong, you have to be strong and healthy. You have to continue be our strong ah gong, be optimistic and we'll always be there for you. You have to live long to see our kids, our grandchildrens running around you...

I hope I can be stronger too.. I don't know why I will still cry whenever I think of Ah Ma. Whenever I'm lost, I will "shout" for ah ma inside my heart. I wish Ah Ma can bless me to be a stronger person emotionally...
Do cherish everyone around you when they are still alive, no matter how bad or how good they treat you. Their presence with you come with a word - fate. There's always a purpose they r here. There's never a thing gonna last forever. Love them, forgive and forget, take and share.